Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Boston and NY

My trip in pictures. Musings to follow...













Saturday, November 20, 2010

$0.02 about insecurity


Had a conversation about insecurity with some LWFers last night. One of them told me I seem to have a lot of confidence, and asked if I also have a lot of insecurities, if I try to overcompensate with the former.

Made me think about the definition of the word... I don't think insecurity is a measure of shortcomings. On the flip side, confidence doesn't stem from a lack of weaknesses. Instead, I think insecurity is an inability to cope with our weaknesses. The insecure person fears men and squirms when light is shed on their shortcomings.

But 2 Corinthians 12:9 is one of my favorite verses! - that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. So much freedom knowing that Christ is our salvation and worth. I wish I was better at a lot of things, I wish I was more God-fearing. But as believers we should be less insecure when we learn to take our eyes off ourselves and to fix our eyes on the fact that we are a new creation. No longer defining "success" by our own strength, but knowing that confidence comes from the fact that we are worthy and precious in God's eyes. Terribly unfair that God's love and mercy does that, but true.

I'm not saying I don't have insecurities. I do, I just don't think I'm plagued with them because I know where my hope is. When my strength is in myself, and I compare myself with a worldly idea of success, I am more insecure. But when I refocus my eyes on the cross, I realize that even my inadequacies are used to show His awesomeness. How terribly efficient He is...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Family!!!

After four months I found a church and am committing to Living Word :) It was cool to see the strengths of each church and I'm glad I took the time to check out Wellspring, LWF and SF Bible. Was immensely blessed by each one and found them to be very welcoming.

Reasons why I chose LWF :)
Teaching: Pastor Eric is a gifted speaker and you can tell he's passionate about the Word. I feel convicted by his sermons and my desire to read and know the Word has grown under his teaching.

Balance: A lot of strengths and weaknesses go hand in hand so it's important for leadership to be keen on weaknesses so the church is balanced. For example, when Paul wrote letters to Corinth he rebuked and called out their sins. I like how at LWF the Word and obedience is stressed, but legalism and achievement-righteousness, which often comes with focusing on action, is also addressed.

Philosophy of ministry: I feel like I can fully stand behind Pastor Eric's vision. The church is very focused on relationships and the pastor really wants to know and invest in the sheep. I think pastoral visitation and seeking counsel from your shepherd is very important so I'm glad there is an emphasis for them to be available at LW.

People: the church is full of unique people. I think a lot of personalities could fit in here. I also think people have a heart for the lost. Not just people who would fit easily into a Christian lifestyle, but "worldly" people who need to hear the gospel. I feel like I have a heart for the non-cookie cutters :) so I'm thankful for the diversity.

Opportunities to serve: LWF is still growing so there are a lot of opportunities to serve. I'm thankful I was very well equipped at Evangel and I want to use that equipping and good teaching to really be expended and serve :)

I'm excited to go to church and invest in my brothers and sisters there. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me as I made my decision. :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

A quick, boring update

Church
I was afraid the church hunt would be lonely, daunting and scary. I imagined looking around with the newcomer "where am I" look, only to stumble around and sit alone. Maybe nobody would want to talk to me. But being the proactive I am, I wouldn't wait too long to take initiative and introduce myself. But maybe I would be too intense or awkward and the conversations would be short lived. Maybe people would be nice enough to introduce themselves, but too busy to really get to know me. And when I reached the 10 minute limit of awkwardly standing alone, I would leave without making a real connection.

But God provides and I'm surprised at what a small world it is. Over this past month, I was blessed to have Eurie welcome me in every way as I checked out Wellspring. And I was surprised and delighted to see many familiar faces at Living Word as well.

The plan is to check out three or four churches, each for a month, and then make a decision. Wellspring was my August, Living Word is my September, and SF Bible will be my October.

I want to take my time in this search. I rushed in college. I got stars in my eyes and immersed myself. It was really good, but now that I know more about Christianity I want to see how it is applied and actualized at different churches. I want a good grasp of the doctrine, the philosophy of ministry, and how the body fellowships and serves. I want to think of this as a long term decision. At the same time, not having a home church feels a little homeless and I'd rather settle sooner than later.

Work
I finished my first week of work last week. I've been working throughout this year, but this position feels like my first real job. I'm also more committed to it than I was for the other jobs. It's a small company and I have a lot of opportunity to grow and take on responsibility, which is exciting because it would be a slower, more limiting process at big companies. It's nice that there's no bureaucracy. Interesting tidbit - a lot of my coworkers are Mormon, my boss is in fact. hMm courage and discernment please.

All in all, I feel like life is steady. Last year was a pruning year and I feel like this year is smoothing out and I am ready and excited to bear fruit! I hope I bear figs, because they're my favorite. Small, and sweet, and rare (because they have a short season)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Museums and Impressionism

I don't like museums. Sure, the first artifact is exciting. But then you move on to the next, and it's nice, but it looks too familiar. After the fifth, the novelty is gone and I'm ready to go home.

On Saturday I went to the Birth of Impressionism exhibit at de Young Museum. First time using an audio tour and I have to say, it made all the difference. I'm usually too lazy to scramble to the front, only to get a half view of a small description, blocked by a tall head. But with the audio tour, the history was made accessible by the push of a few buttons. :)

I always thought impressionism was cool, but not a standout amongst other styles. This exhibit made me appreciate the thinking behind the movement. Before impressionism, the French Salon was the key holder to what was considered good art. This manifested in realism, which typically depicted mythology and archetypal beauty. Impressionists broke away from the European canon of idealized realism and painted what was truly realistic - unglamorous, mundane life. They depicted hardship, labor and war, and expressed their point of view even if it undermined their talent or meant they would earn a meager living.

They went against convention and thought for themselves! They met at cafes and talked about politics and art. Gaahhhh! I love passionate thinkers who are insightful and take time to talk about things. These days we do too much and don't think enough. We have too much TV to pass our time. I want passion and conviction to course through everything I do! But I also want those things to be tapered with the truth of the gospel. No blind passion, please.

I've slowly been learning to grow out of my idealized reality too. God has been gracious and life has come pretty easy. So I've been able to live in my lala land of dreams and fantasies. But I am ready to let go. I am ready to let them crash for glimpses of reality, because how can you be light and salt if you are ignorant to the hardships around you?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Costa Rica

I felt undeservingly spoiled last week. New car and trip to Costa Rica all paid by my mother.

Itinerary
Sunday (7.17) - Shop
Monday (7.18) - Monte Verde: butterfly tour, coffee tour and zip lining
Tuesday (7.19) - Beach tour to Conchal, Flamingo, and Tamarindo
Wednesday (7.20) - Arenal volcano: active volcano where I enjoyed the natural hot springs
Thursday (7.21) - Spa and massage
Friday (7.22) - White water rafting

I felt very rich. Not in a cool way. In an embarrassing, somewhat ashamed way. During the coffee tour the guide explained the process of producing coffee, including the picking process and how much they make. Coffee pickers comb the plants, carrying a 10 kg basket around their back. They are paid by the basket, and if a picker is fast, they can fill a basket in one hour. Wage? $1. That means on a good day, if someone works eight hours, they are paid $8 a day doing physical, back straining work. 40 hours a week, 52 weeks is $2,080 a year.

I've heard these statistics before. I've heard sermons, read Christian books telling me I'm rich and I should be thankful. But I don't know if I ever believed that in America. Certainly not in the America I saw with Berkeley students. Even the "poor" students in Berkeley are far from poor. I complain that I'm poor because I'm supporting myself and the job situation has been tough. But I have a fridge full of food, a full closet, a new car, parents who support me, etc, etc.

The service is really good in Costa Rica. I stayed at the Hilton where the employees accommodated your every whim. It made me want to stare at the floor. Don't get me wrong, I had an AMAZING time but it was a humbling experience.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Heartbreak.

New changes are here. After five years of attending EBCB, I've decided to leave. It's been a three year long process and I'm not going into details because that's not wise on a blog. All I can say is it is a heartbreaking decision, but a God fearing one.

I love this church and can rave about the blessings I've experienced in it - the equipping, service, fellowship are really EXTRAordinary. But in the end, I believe there can be gospel-centered, biblical, God glorifying churches that aren't for everyone.

I'm sad and reluctant to know relationships will change. Deathly afraid of having to make new ones because all the good ones take years to develop. But it's a good time to learn to trust and depend on the Lord. I'll try to update this blog more often to keep people in on the loop :)

To those who have been a part of this journey, thank you, thank you, thank you, and please don't be a stranger.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Hands and Ears

The bible gives us principles on how we should live our lives but it looks different in every Christian because they have unique gifts, personalities, preferences, convictions. I've been thinking about diversity lately. Not just superficial differences - like personality, appearance, hobbies, but theological, spiritual differences. Is there benefit to having spiritual diversity? In gifts, yes, in different emphasis of spiritual principles, yes. In spiritual convictions? Well it depends on what they are.

Every believer is going to have particular passages really speak to them. But part of wisdom is understanding the balance between two commandments - not going to extremes and knowing they don't conflict. One part of the bible says don't associate with unbelievers, what does darkness have to do with light? Another part of the bible illustrates that Jesus was very intimate with tax collectors and sinners. People who understand and emphasize one of these would benefit from the other because both are commanded and necessary.

Diversity in spiritual convictions is good because we have the tendency to focus on certain aspects and commandments that speak to us, that we relate to. But hearing brothers and sisters that emphasize other principles will make us more balanced Christians. One person may focus (be gifted in) equipping and serving the body. Another may focus on evangelism and mercy ministries. We ought to listen well before we tell the other our time is best spent doing ___.

God uses diversity. Maybe you're the hand and I'm the foot... Actually, I hate feet. You're the hand and I'm the ear. I don't think it's going against being like-minded if it's in the word. As long as we seek our convictions and are like-minded in the bible and the gospel.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

May 12, 2010

A LOT going through my mind lately. Most of them are too personal to post on a blog and I hate being vague so I'll refrain. Instead, I'll give an update about what I've been up to :)

Fellowship - I've taken more initiative to meet with people. I was a manic in college. Five to six set meetings a week on top of other scheduled one-on-ones. But when I graduated and moved to Alameda I took a step back in this area. A lot of my close friends moved and the college people I knew were now a 20-30 minute drive away. I really am horrible at keeping in touch. My mom gives me a pout whenever I'm home, and I still don't call her that often. Plus, I'm good at complaining because "I'm always the initiator and if they want to keep in touch they should initiate." That's not what love looks like though. So tweeking that perception and taking initiative has been bueno. Fellowship is so good.

Hobbies - I want to learn how to crochet. I know a little about knitting but I never crocheted until I went down to LA a few weeks ago. A girl from Cornerstone was making headbands for a missions fundraiser. I asked her to teach me and an hour later I gave life to my first creation -



The ones Jess made were beautiful. Mine is too big and awkward as a necklace. But not bad for a first go. Still trying to figure out what I want to do with this though. It may end up in the trash :X (Other hobbies on the list: guitar, dancing, reading)

The hunt - Well it hasn't been much of a hunt because I haven't been motivated to apply. :( Looking into marketing and pr, but I really think I would like merchandising. Not 100% sure what I want to do. I just want to talk to a lot of people and honestly ask them "Hey, really, do you like your job?"

I'm taking suggestions. What do you think I should look for and go into?

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Nostalgia

My Mom sold the home I grew up in yesterday. From now on I'll be in west LA rather than Glendale when I'm in so cal.

Some things I dug up in the garage -


I was really into anime. I must have drawn these when I was 15 or 16.




One part of my life is coming to an end, but I have a feeling that exciting new changes are coming up :)

Way too much to write about all I've been experiencing and learning in so cal. It's been awesome to reconnect with old friends. Encouraged at the diversity of Christianity.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

No more red and khaki

That's right. I now see in color. Top 3 reasons Target is not for me:

1.) I've been missing out on a lot because I work random hours.
- I haven't been able to attend a lot of members meeting, home group and other fellowship activities. Weddings are coming up and I'd hate to miss out on those as well for a job I utterly despise.

2.) Long commute
- The 580 is going under construction which means an even longer commute than the one hour I already drive going one way. $350 a month for gas and toll when my rent is $425? No thank you.

3.) Not where I want to go in my career.

Yay for free time and job hunting! This year has been an anomaly in terms of meeting up with people. I used to do 5-6 people a week on a consistent basis, and people outside of those times as well. I think it's partially because a lot of my close friends moved away. But! Now that I have more time I'm excited to really engage in people's lives again. Very very happy about the decision. Who wants to play with me?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Musings at Fertile Grounds with a coffee and strawberry scone


Day off today. Weekdays and weekends blur together because I have random days off. Drove Michelle Maa to get her wedding dress altered then went to Cheeseboard for lunch. I heart Berkeley. It's a city that believes things. I don't agree with everything it believes but people have opinions. These hippie, recycling, social movement people are passionate and it's refreshing. Too many people just live, they have the "road to success" mentality, which is boring. Passion is captivating, but blind passion is stupid.

I've been realizing that I believe a lot of lies. The world tells you lies because it's circumstantial and emotional. It bases its truth on senses and feelings. Dangerous because I'm an emotional person. Not in the I-cry-every-day and am super sensitive way. I'm emotional because I let feelings guide my actions and attitude. I can't trust emotions because they are a fickle, impulsive reaction to circumstance. It's not something that should guide my life.

So I've been thinking about what it means to be sober minded and self controlled. Being self-controlled is really counterintuitive to me because I'm the "be real, say what's on your mind" type of person. I let my thoughts run amuck, but my thoughts are depraved. I'm prone to be prideful, discontent and self-reliant.

Tasted some victory this week though. It's possible. Victory over sin is possible because we've been freed. More conscious of thoughts that are helpful and thoughts that are not God glorifying. Unhelpful thoughts: It's already been 4.5 months of not getting promoted when I expected one in three... "so unfair, I deserve more... blah blah blah."

Don't get me wrong, today's application day. But I want need to be thankful and faithful while I'm in this situation. I'm happier when I'm obedient. You would think doing what is in your will would make you happy because you're doing what you want. But I realize more and more I have no clue what makes me happy. Sometimes I think money and prestige and the flashy things of life will make me happy. It doesn't. Being obedient and on my knees does. Dependence on the only thing that is eternal and faithful.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Exploring the city

I've been saying that I want to explore SF for a while now - take dance classes, go to jazz clubs, see shows, the whole nine. So today Caroline, Naamah and I went to a Chinese Jitterbug class off the Embarcadero. It was only $4 so what the heck.

Naamah thought we were going to a hip venue, perhaps clubbing in the city because the description said there was a dance party after the lesson. When we got there it was a good crowd - around 80 people. Then I noticed they were all 50 and speaking Cantonese. Secondly, this was the Embarcadero in Oakland, not in SF. My first hint should have been the "Chinese" before the Jitterbug (what the heck is Chinese Jitterbug?) Chinese Jitterbug means dancing with grandpas to Chinese music. Caroline said "this is the perfect place to meet people when we're single and in our 50's." Thanks, I'll remember that for the future.

On a side note, work has gotten better. Not because anything has changed but because I grumble less about it now. Perhaps I've just gotten used to it and the routine has settled in. But it's probably because I've been telling people to pray for me and they have. :) Starting to look for jobs in New York though. <3

Saturday, January 16, 2010

What I Want Now

Haven't blogged in a while. I looked at my old posts and realized I have way too many serious/emo posts. I promise I'm somewhat fun and outgoing... so here's a little flavor for you. My inspiration comes from Lucky Magazine. When I worked at a PR agency I would peruse the style magazines and Lucky always had a few pages dedicated to the editor's pick of the month. Here's my "What I Want Now" for the month of January -



Crioline Skirt , Coach purse, lace dress, comfortable work shoes, iPhone, lace stockings

Don't let this stuff fool you. I am not a girly person. I'm incredibly assertive and tough and independent... but I do like pretty things <3

But what I really want is this...


Researched some things on New York as well :D