Food poisoning

I have a strong stomach so I'll eat things even if they're questionable. The perpetrator was an old can of spam that's been in the fridge for more than a week. It had this white sticky film over it. But I shrugged, cut it up and ate it.

Needless to say I payed for my pride. Was vomiting every half-hour for half a day and every hour for the second half of the day. Went to work anyways because it's a big deal to call out under the 90 day probation period and I have a lot of work to do.

But gained a little perspective on my Tuesday off. I take myself way too seriously and am stressed over trivial things like work. Okay it's not necessarily trivial... I obviously care about it enough to go when I'm vomiting every hour. But I really do try my best there and if I can't get everything I want done, what amount of worrying will add an hour to my life?

Just reminds me of college where I stressed and stressed over getting that A. But it doesn't mean much in eternity. The result isn't something I'm going to parade in front of God. What matters is that I fear the Lord in everything I do and I work heartily on to Him. A lot of stress comes from fearing man and taking myself too seriously. So unnecessary.

Hope

"O LORD,make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!

⁵Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!

⁶Surely a man goes about as a shadow! Surely for nothing they are in turmoil; man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!

⁷"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

"How's the new job?"

It's been humbling and revealing.

In a lot of ways Target isn't what I had anticipated it to be. I thought I would be holding a clip board the whole time, doing interviews and delegating. And yeah, I do that but I work alongside the team a lot more than I thought I would. Black Friday was tough. 10 or so hours of folding/hanging clothes and making sure the store looked okay. I wanted to cry. I've never done physical labor and I was indignant because "I'm so much better than that." Okay, I would never say "I'm better" but I act like I am with my reluctance and attitude. When I was training I was embarrassed to be seen with clothes in my hand. Every time I saw a customer walk by I wanted to grab a clip board, chuckle and say "no, no, I manage." Blah. what an ugly, proud heart. Good leaders are not above people. They work alongside them.

At first I loved what I was learning. I saw that I needed to grow in humility, and although the job isn't intellectually stimulating, it's relationally challenging. But when I went home for Thanksgiving, people told me I'm overqualified and I should look for another job. Since then I've been less content because I feel like I'm not maximizing my potential. I'm at a job where I'm not using my education. Team leaders don't need a college degree. They get the position by working at Target for 4 years and proving they can run the sales floor.

Executive Team Leaders (ETL) are assistant managers. They're the out of store hires with college degrees. Yes, everyone tells me I should be an ETL. The district manager and my ETL are looking to get me promoted in a few months. But is my career goal in store management? The highest position I foresee is becoming a district manager and I'm not sure that's my 5 year plan. Okay, I don't even have a one year plan but I'm arrogant or delusional enough to think I'd make a great VP at some brand name corporation one day. I want to be the person that smoozes with clients, attends company parties and approves big picture ideas. Sparkle and glamour but what can I say? I struggle with superficiality.

Problem is I'm entry level and everyone does leg work for a few years. It would take me 15 years to get there and I'm impatient. But than I think about all the other Berkeley grads that aren't "maximizing their potential" and they love their job. I don't even know what that phrase means. Potential needs to be cultivated whether it's potential to be social, intellectual, to be a good dancer, musician, a good businessman, whatever. People can always grow in every area. It's what we have time for and what we choose to invest in.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth it to invest so much in developing myself professionally? In becoming the best businesswoman I can be? Matthew comes to mind. "For where your treasure is there your heart will be also." But it's more complicated than that. Biblically, we don't deserve anything but physical labor. I should be thankful for a job. At the same time, I don't need to be blind to my skills and capabilities. A job is a job. We can glorify God with whatever we do if we do it on to Him. There's a whole lot of room for justifications there, I know.

We'll see. I'm playing with the though of moving to New York next year and pursuing a career in fashion. It flitters though my head every once in a while. I would totally get fire from church people though... hehe

Happy Birthday Ana!

Okay okay, if you want to be picky, Ana's birthday was on October 2nd... but hey! These things take time. I'm super out of practice and super slow at art. I was poor and unemployed at the time so painting seemed like a good alternative to buying a present. Plus, Ana is one of those people that loves (or pretends to love) anything you give her. She also likes to make weird crafty things so I thought she would appreciate it.

Concept: landscape scene with a path. The path is made of bible verses and the painting says "follow the narrow path."

I was intentional in the verses I picked. :)

Five minute rough drafts of other ideas from my journal -

Will update on Target soon. But I am happy to announce that I found a loophole to the fugly color scheme: khaki dresses and a red cardigan <3>

Ramble Ramble...

I mean to blog more, but I only write at the apex of my emotions. The epiphanies aren’t as witty and smart if I let the moment pass. Actually, I’m certain I say nothing new, but I like to pretend…

I’m surprised to say I’ve been reading more because I've never really enjoyed it. When I was younger my sister got contacts because she was a book worm. I got contacts because I played N64. Loved Zelda, despite the fact that it clashed with my cheerleader image…

So I’ve been reading two books lately: Blue Like Jazz and Passion and Purity. Blue Like Jazz I LOVE LOVE LOVE! Donald Miller expresses himself with candid inhibition. He says provocative statements like this - “The real issue in Christian community is that its conditional… by toeing the party line you earn social dollars; by being yourself you did not. If you wanted to be valued, you became a clone.”

Yup! He makes these ridiculous generalizations that are unfair because he brings his readers through what he's thinking at the moment before he leads them to the right perspective. You can figure out why this statement is twisted, no? Cool, I won't repeat it then. He's clever as well.

Passion and Purity - I picked this up because I was bored in Berkeley and had nothing better to do than to look through Ana’s shelf. Never intended to read this because Evangel sisters love this book and I figured it was too prudish and “I say all the right things” for me. She is proper, but I have to say there’s definitely pearls in here!

Different style of writing, same love for the Lord. Two quotes for you –
“If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, maybe we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus” (Donald Miller).
“Until the will and affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept His Lordship” (Elliot).

Man I could write a whole entry about how these apply to me, but I will spare you. This entry is a lot of pointless rambling. Plus, I have work at 5 am tomorrow. ☹ Shoot me now…

Speaking of work – here are some previews. I’ll do an entry about it later.

Red and Khaki

I only see in red and khaki now, which is fairly depressing because I'm not inclined towards those colors. I hate khaki pants, actually I don't like wearing pants in general. Dresses are wonderful.

I'm going to be a team leader in the apparel section of the Novato Target. It's pretty far - 36 miles away. But I complain more about the uniform than I do about the distance. Typical. Here's the job description:

• Evaluate performance, write and conduct reviews, recommend and administer counseling and corrective action.
• Provide coaching, recognition and feedback to improve team member and specialist performance.
• Help to select, hire and retain high-caliber team members
• Respond to backup cashier requests
• Ensure merchandise is pulled and stock
• Ensure ads and sales planners are set on time and maintained

It's basically in-store management. But it's a step in the direction of working in apparel and I think I may like it. I'll update more as I go through training. But for now, I'm on the look out for red and khaki clothes

Cafe Du Nord

Spontaneous trip to Cafe Du Nord with Christine Myung. Got to see some pretty darn amazing artists - Gabe Bondoc, Goh Nakamura and Doug Wamble.

As I sat there, waiting for the show to begin. I brainstormed titles for this entry - perhaps "Melting like Butter" or "Gabe Bondoc." But as I saw crowds cheering and girls swooning I wondered what kind of people these musicians really were. I know Gabe is a nominal Christian but I wondered how his passion for the Lord compared to his passion for fame and music.

I started thinking of how public figures tout the Christian label to be relatable. Many musicians, celebrities, politicians, claim to be Christian. It's a good move because it appeals to a large demographic. Not that I can judge anyone's spirituality, but I have to say, I was rather put off with Mr. Bondoc after this line of thinking. Wasn't melting very much during the whole performance. He's definitely a talented guy. I can affirm that even more after seeing him live. But the whole time I was thinking of Ecclesiastes and how money and fame are all vanity in the end.

Also made me think of Proverbs 20:6 - "Most men will proclaim each his own goodness, but who can find a faithful man?"

After going to Berkeley I've met a number of intelligent people who are well-off and talented because you have to have resources and extra-curricular activities to get in. I've also met a fair amount who are the "whole package" - smart, wealthy, talented, social and good-looking. After a while they're just a dime a dozen to me. God's given tons of people these blessings, quite a few have them all and I find it all unimpressive. But what is rare is someone with character. That's hard to find.

-_- Yes. I have a scattered mind. Other people think of these things at concerts right?

Thanks for the info and ride Christine! The artists were great and I like events that unexpectedly make me think of life.

P.S. Don't you like the pictures? <3

Adventures in So Cal

So Cal has been different in a good way. It feels like vacation - being well fed and spending time with old friends. Highlights were spending time with my mom <3, seeing Kooza (Cirque du Soleil), and visiting Cornerstone Bible Church. Seeing old friends has been SO refreshing. There's an understanding and comfort that's unique to when I'm with them. No need to put up a front because after 8 years there aren't a lot of struggles that are surprising. It's like "oh yeah, I knew you struggled with that." Funny how most sins are a life long battle. We become better fighters, but it's a battle to the death (good thing we win in the end).

After being in So Cal for a few days, I realize I'd much rather live in Nor Cal. There's a charm to all the trees and mom and pop cafes. I also feel the impulse to shop and focus on the way I look. I'm already more vain and superficial than I'd like to be so there's no need to put myself in this kind of environment. Personally, I like being a so cal girl in a nor cal environment. It makes me different. I like to be perceived as trendy and well-dressed, but not as high-maintenance and superficial. If only I could have all the pros and none of the cons in life. Life would be so much easier...

Went to Hollywood with Catie today. One of my best friends from high school and one of the most passionate people I know. Passionate about everything - God, school, design, guitar, etc. It's contagious. I realize that zealous people are the ones that make a difference and impact others. This is true in looking for jobs too. Everyone has skills, was the president of some club, went to a good school, blah, blah, blah. People follow others who are passionate. That's what sets you apart.

I think I used to be more free spirited and passionate in high school. What happened to that girl? I feel like she's been muffled. Bah, I'm determined to bring her back. At the same time, it's important to make sure things don't become idols and we make first priorities first. I leave with this illustration from Donald Miller which relates this message in a very smart way. Plus, it has bunnies in it <3 http://www.donaldmillerwords.com/images/DonRabbit.pdf

Let's give this a shot...

Finally decided to create one - partly because I want to learn how to use social media, partly because it could be a good way to keep in touch. So let's give this a shot :) Hopefully, I don't embarrass myself in the process, although it's a very likely outcome.

One thing I intend to do with this - to be honest and uninhibited. Don't know if that's the most proper and appropriate choice. Perhaps I should censor myself more, give up some freedom for the sake of others who may read this. But I don't know... I've always had this crazy obsession with honesty and people who just say it like it is. I guess it's because I feel like I have nothing to hide. So let's be honest - when it comes down to it, I'm a downright despicable, crazy sinner! Yes, my thoughts and motives are all wrong and twisted most of the time.

But I feel like presenting ourselves in a different way can be deceptive. Deceptive to ourselves and others and I'm always left wondering why we do this. Personally, when I'm less specific, when I try to present myself better, I do it out of fear of man. I want people to think well of me so I'll be vague. Vague about hardships, vague about my sin. And I'm very good at making myself sound holier by using spiritual language too. It's a shame because it makes me less honest with my depravity, less honest in front of God, and less honest in front of people. So my inhibition is often a counter to this.

I've also experienced the most encouragement and sharpening when I let my guard down, let myself be vulnerable and just say how I feel. Not because what I say is right but because I can see my folly more clearly. Reminds me of Psalms - David doesn't just express what is true and what he should think, he's actually really emotional. If he feels discouraged, abandoned, like the Lord is far away, he says so. BUT, he always brings it back to how he should think and what he knows is true - that God if faithful and His promises are true. So I guess it's similar to what I try to do - to say things as they are. Even if I know better, it's not how I'm thinking at this time because there's a gap in what I know and what I believe at the moment. Besides, I'mblessed to go to a church that equips it's members and I'm taught well. So what I struggle with often is not a lack of knowledge but a lack of conviction. So when I confront things in it's raw, uncensored form, I'm better able to see it clearly and counter it. To bring it back to what's true and what the word says. Honesty makes me diagnose more accurately to really show that I need to depend on the Lord.

So I intend for this blog to just present me as I am, with all the blemishes, spelling errors and twisted thinking. Random thoughts on everything that goes through my head whether it's eternal things, worldly things, etc. Hopefully, hopefully, I'll have wisdom though too. Gosh, there's so many verses in Proverbs about guarding our speech and mouth. So that is a serious warning. But I hope people can be refreshed and encouraged by the candidness too. If you think you're sinful you can read my blog and feel better that you are not alone. :D