No more red and khaki

That's right. I now see in color. Top 3 reasons Target is not for me:

1.) I've been missing out on a lot because I work random hours.

- I haven't been able to attend a lot of members meeting, home group and other fellowship activities. Weddings are coming up and I'd hate to miss out on those as well for a job I utterly despise.

2.) Long commute

- The 580 is going under construction which means an even longer commute than the one hour I already drive going one way. $350 a month for gas and toll when my rent is $425? No thank you.

3.) Not where I want to go in my career.

Yay for free time and job hunting! This year has been an anomaly in terms of meeting up with people. I used to do 5-6 people a week on a consistent basis, and people outside of those times as well. I think it's partially because a lot of my close friends moved away. But! Now that I have more time I'm excited to really engage in people's lives again. Very very happy about the decision. Who wants to play with me?

Musings at Fertile Grounds with a coffee and strawberry scone

Day off today. Weekdays and weekends blur together because I have random days off. Drove Michelle Maa to get her wedding dress altered then went to Cheeseboard for lunch. I heart Berkeley. It's a city that believes things. I don't agree with everything it believes but people have opinions. These hippie, recycling, social movement people are passionate and it's refreshing. Too many people just live, they have the "road to success" mentality, which is boring. Passion is captivating, but blind passion is stupid.

I've been realizing that I believe a lot of lies. The world tells you lies because it's circumstantial and emotional. It bases its truth on senses and feelings. Dangerous because I'm an emotional person. Not in the I-cry-every-day and am super sensitive way. I'm emotional because I let feelings guide my actions and attitude. I can't trust emotions because they are a fickle, impulsive reaction to circumstance. It's not something that should guide my life.

So I've been thinking about what it means to be sober minded and self controlled. Being self-controlled is really counterintuitive to me because I'm the "be real, say what's on your mind" type of person. I let my thoughts run amuck, but my thoughts are depraved. I'm prone to be prideful, discontent and self-reliant.

Tasted some victory this week though. It's possible. Victory over sin is possible because we've been freed. More conscious of thoughts that are helpful and thoughts that are not God glorifying. Unhelpful thoughts: It's already been 4.5 months of not getting promoted when I expected one in three... "so unfair, I deserve more... blah blah blah."

Don't get me wrong, today's application day. But I want need to be thankful and faithful while I'm in this situation. I'm happier when I'm obedient. You would think doing what is in your will would make you happy because you're doing what you want. But I realize more and more I have no clue what makes me happy. Sometimes I think money and prestige and the flashy things of life will make me happy. It doesn't. Being obedient and on my knees does. Dependence on the only thing that is eternal and faithful.

Exploring the city

I've been saying that I want to explore SF for a while now - take dance classes, go to jazz clubs, see shows, the whole nine. So today Caroline, Naamah and I went to a Chinese Jitterbug class off the Embarcadero. It was only $4 so what the heck.

Naamah thought we were going to a hip venue, perhaps clubbing in the city because the description said there was a dance party after the lesson. When we got there it was a good crowd - around 80 people. Then I noticed they were all 50 and speaking Cantonese. Secondly, this was the Embarcadero in Oakland, not in SF. My first hint should have been the "Chinese" before the Jitterbug (what the heck is Chinese Jitterbug?) Chinese Jitterbug means dancing with grandpas to Chinese music. Caroline said "this is the perfect place to meet people when we're single and in our 50's." Thanks, I'll remember that for the future.

On a side note, work has gotten better. Not because anything has changed but because I grumble less about it now. Perhaps I've just gotten used to it and the routine has settled in. But it's probably because I've been telling people to pray for me and they have. :) Starting to look for jobs in New York though. <3

What I Want Now

Haven't blogged in a while. I looked at my old posts and realized I have way too many serious/emo posts. I promise I'm somewhat fun and outgoing... so here's a little flavor for you. My inspiration comes from Lucky Magazine. When I worked at a PR agency I would peruse the style magazines and Lucky always had a few pages dedicated to the editor's pick of the month. Here's my "What I Want Now" for the month of January -

Crioline Skirt , Coach purse, lace dress, comfortable work shoes, iPhone, lace stockings

Don't let this stuff fool you. I am not a girly person. I'm incredibly assertive and tough and independent... but I do like pretty things <3

But what I really want is this...


Researched some things on New York as well :D

Food poisoning

I have a strong stomach so I'll eat things even if they're questionable. The perpetrator was an old can of spam that's been in the fridge for more than a week. It had this white sticky film over it. But I shrugged, cut it up and ate it.

Needless to say I payed for my pride. Was vomiting every half-hour for half a day and every hour for the second half of the day. Went to work anyways because it's a big deal to call out under the 90 day probation period and I have a lot of work to do.

But gained a little perspective on my Tuesday off. I take myself way too seriously and am stressed over trivial things like work. Okay it's not necessarily trivial... I obviously care about it enough to go when I'm vomiting every hour. But I really do try my best there and if I can't get everything I want done, what amount of worrying will add an hour to my life?

Just reminds me of college where I stressed and stressed over getting that A. But it doesn't mean much in eternity. The result isn't something I'm going to parade in front of God. What matters is that I fear the Lord in everything I do and I work heartily on to Him. A lot of stress comes from fearing man and taking myself too seriously. So unnecessary.

Hope

"O LORD,make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!

⁵Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!

⁶Surely a man goes about as a shadow! Surely for nothing they are in turmoil; man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!

⁷"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

"How's the new job?"

It's been humbling and revealing.

In a lot of ways Target isn't what I had anticipated it to be. I thought I would be holding a clip board the whole time, doing interviews and delegating. And yeah, I do that but I work alongside the team a lot more than I thought I would. Black Friday was tough. 10 or so hours of folding/hanging clothes and making sure the store looked okay. I wanted to cry. I've never done physical labor and I was indignant because "I'm so much better than that." Okay, I would never say "I'm better" but I act like I am with my reluctance and attitude. When I was training I was embarrassed to be seen with clothes in my hand. Every time I saw a customer walk by I wanted to grab a clip board, chuckle and say "no, no, I manage." Blah. what an ugly, proud heart. Good leaders are not above people. They work alongside them.

At first I loved what I was learning. I saw that I needed to grow in humility, and although the job isn't intellectually stimulating, it's relationally challenging. But when I went home for Thanksgiving, people told me I'm overqualified and I should look for another job. Since then I've been less content because I feel like I'm not maximizing my potential. I'm at a job where I'm not using my education. Team leaders don't need a college degree. They get the position by working at Target for 4 years and proving they can run the sales floor.

Executive Team Leaders (ETL) are assistant managers. They're the out of store hires with college degrees. Yes, everyone tells me I should be an ETL. The district manager and my ETL are looking to get me promoted in a few months. But is my career goal in store management? The highest position I foresee is becoming a district manager and I'm not sure that's my 5 year plan. Okay, I don't even have a one year plan but I'm arrogant or delusional enough to think I'd make a great VP at some brand name corporation one day. I want to be the person that smoozes with clients, attends company parties and approves big picture ideas. Sparkle and glamour but what can I say? I struggle with superficiality.

Problem is I'm entry level and everyone does leg work for a few years. It would take me 15 years to get there and I'm impatient. But than I think about all the other Berkeley grads that aren't "maximizing their potential" and they love their job. I don't even know what that phrase means. Potential needs to be cultivated whether it's potential to be social, intellectual, to be a good dancer, musician, a good businessman, whatever. People can always grow in every area. It's what we have time for and what we choose to invest in.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth it to invest so much in developing myself professionally? In becoming the best businesswoman I can be? Matthew comes to mind. "For where your treasure is there your heart will be also." But it's more complicated than that. Biblically, we don't deserve anything but physical labor. I should be thankful for a job. At the same time, I don't need to be blind to my skills and capabilities. A job is a job. We can glorify God with whatever we do if we do it on to Him. There's a whole lot of room for justifications there, I know.

We'll see. I'm playing with the though of moving to New York next year and pursuing a career in fashion. It flitters though my head every once in a while. I would totally get fire from church people though... hehe