What I Want Now

Haven't blogged in a while. I looked at my old posts and realized I have way too many serious/emo posts. I promise I'm somewhat fun and outgoing... so here's a little flavor for you. My inspiration comes from Lucky Magazine. When I worked at a PR agency I would peruse the style magazines and Lucky always had a few pages dedicated to the editor's pick of the month. Here's my "What I Want Now" for the month of January -

Crioline Skirt , Coach purse, lace dress, comfortable work shoes, iPhone, lace stockings

Don't let this stuff fool you. I am not a girly person. I'm incredibly assertive and tough and independent... but I do like pretty things <3

But what I really want is this...


Researched some things on New York as well :D

Food poisoning

I have a strong stomach so I'll eat things even if they're questionable. The perpetrator was an old can of spam that's been in the fridge for more than a week. It had this white sticky film over it. But I shrugged, cut it up and ate it.

Needless to say I payed for my pride. Was vomiting every half-hour for half a day and every hour for the second half of the day. Went to work anyways because it's a big deal to call out under the 90 day probation period and I have a lot of work to do.

But gained a little perspective on my Tuesday off. I take myself way too seriously and am stressed over trivial things like work. Okay it's not necessarily trivial... I obviously care about it enough to go when I'm vomiting every hour. But I really do try my best there and if I can't get everything I want done, what amount of worrying will add an hour to my life?

Just reminds me of college where I stressed and stressed over getting that A. But it doesn't mean much in eternity. The result isn't something I'm going to parade in front of God. What matters is that I fear the Lord in everything I do and I work heartily on to Him. A lot of stress comes from fearing man and taking myself too seriously. So unnecessary.

Hope

"O LORD,make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am!

⁵Behold, you have made my days a few handbreadths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath!

⁶Surely a man goes about as a shadow! Surely for nothing they are in turmoil; man heaps up wealth and does not know who will gather!

⁷"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

"How's the new job?"

It's been humbling and revealing.

In a lot of ways Target isn't what I had anticipated it to be. I thought I would be holding a clip board the whole time, doing interviews and delegating. And yeah, I do that but I work alongside the team a lot more than I thought I would. Black Friday was tough. 10 or so hours of folding/hanging clothes and making sure the store looked okay. I wanted to cry. I've never done physical labor and I was indignant because "I'm so much better than that." Okay, I would never say "I'm better" but I act like I am with my reluctance and attitude. When I was training I was embarrassed to be seen with clothes in my hand. Every time I saw a customer walk by I wanted to grab a clip board, chuckle and say "no, no, I manage." Blah. what an ugly, proud heart. Good leaders are not above people. They work alongside them.

At first I loved what I was learning. I saw that I needed to grow in humility, and although the job isn't intellectually stimulating, it's relationally challenging. But when I went home for Thanksgiving, people told me I'm overqualified and I should look for another job. Since then I've been less content because I feel like I'm not maximizing my potential. I'm at a job where I'm not using my education. Team leaders don't need a college degree. They get the position by working at Target for 4 years and proving they can run the sales floor.

Executive Team Leaders (ETL) are assistant managers. They're the out of store hires with college degrees. Yes, everyone tells me I should be an ETL. The district manager and my ETL are looking to get me promoted in a few months. But is my career goal in store management? The highest position I foresee is becoming a district manager and I'm not sure that's my 5 year plan. Okay, I don't even have a one year plan but I'm arrogant or delusional enough to think I'd make a great VP at some brand name corporation one day. I want to be the person that smoozes with clients, attends company parties and approves big picture ideas. Sparkle and glamour but what can I say? I struggle with superficiality.

Problem is I'm entry level and everyone does leg work for a few years. It would take me 15 years to get there and I'm impatient. But than I think about all the other Berkeley grads that aren't "maximizing their potential" and they love their job. I don't even know what that phrase means. Potential needs to be cultivated whether it's potential to be social, intellectual, to be a good dancer, musician, a good businessman, whatever. People can always grow in every area. It's what we have time for and what we choose to invest in.

Is it worth it?

Is it worth it to invest so much in developing myself professionally? In becoming the best businesswoman I can be? Matthew comes to mind. "For where your treasure is there your heart will be also." But it's more complicated than that. Biblically, we don't deserve anything but physical labor. I should be thankful for a job. At the same time, I don't need to be blind to my skills and capabilities. A job is a job. We can glorify God with whatever we do if we do it on to Him. There's a whole lot of room for justifications there, I know.

We'll see. I'm playing with the though of moving to New York next year and pursuing a career in fashion. It flitters though my head every once in a while. I would totally get fire from church people though... hehe

Happy Birthday Ana!

Okay okay, if you want to be picky, Ana's birthday was on October 2nd... but hey! These things take time. I'm super out of practice and super slow at art. I was poor and unemployed at the time so painting seemed like a good alternative to buying a present. Plus, Ana is one of those people that loves (or pretends to love) anything you give her. She also likes to make weird crafty things so I thought she would appreciate it.

Concept: landscape scene with a path. The path is made of bible verses and the painting says "follow the narrow path."

I was intentional in the verses I picked. :)

Five minute rough drafts of other ideas from my journal -

Will update on Target soon. But I am happy to announce that I found a loophole to the fugly color scheme: khaki dresses and a red cardigan <3>

Ramble Ramble...

I mean to blog more, but I only write at the apex of my emotions. The epiphanies aren’t as witty and smart if I let the moment pass. Actually, I’m certain I say nothing new, but I like to pretend…

I’m surprised to say I’ve been reading more because I've never really enjoyed it. When I was younger my sister got contacts because she was a book worm. I got contacts because I played N64. Loved Zelda, despite the fact that it clashed with my cheerleader image…

So I’ve been reading two books lately: Blue Like Jazz and Passion and Purity. Blue Like Jazz I LOVE LOVE LOVE! Donald Miller expresses himself with candid inhibition. He says provocative statements like this - “The real issue in Christian community is that its conditional… by toeing the party line you earn social dollars; by being yourself you did not. If you wanted to be valued, you became a clone.”

Yup! He makes these ridiculous generalizations that are unfair because he brings his readers through what he's thinking at the moment before he leads them to the right perspective. You can figure out why this statement is twisted, no? Cool, I won't repeat it then. He's clever as well.

Passion and Purity - I picked this up because I was bored in Berkeley and had nothing better to do than to look through Ana’s shelf. Never intended to read this because Evangel sisters love this book and I figured it was too prudish and “I say all the right things” for me. She is proper, but I have to say there’s definitely pearls in here!

Different style of writing, same love for the Lord. Two quotes for you –
“If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, maybe we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus” (Donald Miller).
“Until the will and affections are brought under the authority of Christ, we have not begun to understand, let alone to accept His Lordship” (Elliot).

Man I could write a whole entry about how these apply to me, but I will spare you. This entry is a lot of pointless rambling. Plus, I have work at 5 am tomorrow. ☹ Shoot me now…

Speaking of work – here are some previews. I’ll do an entry about it later.

Red and Khaki

I only see in red and khaki now, which is fairly depressing because I'm not inclined towards those colors. I hate khaki pants, actually I don't like wearing pants in general. Dresses are wonderful.

I'm going to be a team leader in the apparel section of the Novato Target. It's pretty far - 36 miles away. But I complain more about the uniform than I do about the distance. Typical. Here's the job description:

• Evaluate performance, write and conduct reviews, recommend and administer counseling and corrective action.
• Provide coaching, recognition and feedback to improve team member and specialist performance.
• Help to select, hire and retain high-caliber team members
• Respond to backup cashier requests
• Ensure merchandise is pulled and stock
• Ensure ads and sales planners are set on time and maintained

It's basically in-store management. But it's a step in the direction of working in apparel and I think I may like it. I'll update more as I go through training. But for now, I'm on the look out for red and khaki clothes